What a Long, Strange Trip it’s Been: My Journey.

or

What to do when you have a bunch of pictures that make you laugh and you want to write a fake biography.

People ask me, “Chuck, how did you get to be such a kick-ass Security Pro?  Were you always into computers?” 

Well, people mostly ask me "Could you PLEASE put some pants on?!", but the other question is what I hear in my head.

Well, let me answer that question once and for all with my Official History.  Now, this isn’t just a list of things I’ve done in the past, but rather it’s a chronicling.  My story is a Grand, Forrest Gump-esque journey, but instead of Tom Hanks, I'm the retard.  Also, I don't run as much.  My company keeps asking me to sign up for their 401(k), and I keep telling them there's no way in Hell.  The 5k they suckered me into signing up for last year damn near killed me.  "Fun Run" my ass!

My story starts simply - I was born in a small town in NC, and there was something about the neighborhood I grew up in that really helped to set a moral compass for my later years.  I still smile when I think about the streets I grew up on – the principles I learned there have carried through to this day.

As a child, I was truly blessed.  My parents were great!  They fed me, bathed me, and clothed me with nothing less than the finest clothing which depicted our elevated socioeconomic stature.

While growing up, I went to the finest schools,  

which with the aid of my mother led to my deep and abiding respect for law enforcement.

For some reason, my Dad didn’t share the same respect for our city’s finest,

but I think that really just served to show me that there were 2 sides to every story.

It was this atmosphere of free-thinking, coupled with a top-flight education in the NC public schools that fostered a sense of rebellion and civil disobedience, and also gave me a chance to flex my already-impressive intellect at various demonstrations.  I supported everything from Anti-Gambling movements

 to rallies for Women’s Rights.  That’s me in the back - someone obviously gave me the wrong sign........

Those wonderful women taught me a valuable life lesson that day: no matter how you try to help, some people just don’t appreciate it.  Unfortunately, this led to another run-in with local law enforcement.  Something told me as soon as these guys drove up that they meant business.

Long story short, I woke up the next day in jail with my new best friend, Harry.  If you’ve never woken up in jail before, try to avoid it.  It can be a bit….. startling.

Harry was the first gay person I ever met, and while I was a little scared at first of sharing a cell with a homosexual, he turned out to be a really nice guy, and we both got out at the same time.  My mom’s friend (pictured above doing a burnout) happened to be a deputy, and he offered to drop us off at Harry’s boyfriend’s business.  I still don’t quite understand what he does,

 but he was nice enough.  He even helped me with my community service, designing fliers to help keep kids out of trouble!

I heard later that Harry was in trouble with the law again, which was a shame,

but my community service  work with him and Brian lit a spark for advertising that didn’t go away until some time after college.  More on that later.

Anyhoo, I still had a whole summer to go before college even started, so I held a string of successful short-term engagements which highlighted my skill set and intellectual capabilities.  These jobs set the stage for my professional growth, and I can look back on them as opportunities that acted as stepping stones to my future success.  From the job at the local rifle range

to a brief stint working part time at a dry-cleaner,

I feel that these jobs really helped me grow as a person.

That same summer I got the chance to work for animal rescue groups,

 a local eatery,

an Automotive Decoration company,

and even worked for a couple of weeks at the NC Department of Transportation:

Unfortunately, they and I had differing opinions on what the public “needs to know”.  You guessed it, more law enforcement.  This time I had to do some public service with the county prison system, creating gravestones for inmates who had recently died while in custody.

 About the time that my community service was completed, it was time for college!  I had enrolled in a small, private Lutheran college in the foothills, so I packed my car,

 got a haircut and put on my nicest clothes,

and drove straight through lunch until I saw their Welcoming Sign.

I knew I was in the right place. 

I immediately fell into step with the rest of the students, and joined Pi Kappa Phi fraternity as soon as I could remember to sign up for rush.  I had a blast living in the Pi Kapp house,

although the atmosphere did lead to a couple of unfortunate sports-related accidents.

First, my performance started to suffer on the football field,

then I had an unfortunate incident during a powerlifting meet.

That one hurt for a long time.  Once the pictures came out, it also had a mysterious effect on my social life, but I'm not exactly sure why.  I actually had to cancel my gym membership after that, but I really like my new gym better anyway.  Much more my style.

About the time I was all healed up, I finished college.  As many young men do, I decided to head out into the world to make my fortune.  I decided that since I had enjoyed advertising so much during my community service(s) that I would try my hand there.  I met up with some Good-Ol Boys at the local ad agency Dewey Screwum & Howe, and they decided that with my blond hair and blue eyes, I would make a perfect addition to the agency.  I was a little confused as to how having blond hair and blue eyes would help me in the world of advertising, but they sent home some of their samples for me to review while I thought over their offer.

After careful review, I decided that I wasn't really a good fit for their agency, but I did send over several large football player friends of mine for a surprise interview.  Tyrone, Lester, Cornelius, and LeRoy thanked me over and over for introducing them to those guys, who, coincidentally, I never heard from again.  I think they had a fire or something - not really sure what happened.  When I ask the guys about it, they always seem to laugh and change the subject.  Hmm.  Oh well. Back to the chronicle ------

After weeks of looking, I finally found a company with the same knack for advertising that I had, and we went on to great success naming some of NC's most famous businesses.  We did campaigns for an Air-Conditioning company,

a combination bait shop/liquor store,

a men's clothing manufacturer (that one cost me some relationships),

a currency exchange firm (whose clientele suddenly shifted to a more "alternative lifestyle" group, for some reason),

and a local grocer who recorded a HUGE increase in business from the local high schools.  I heard later that Ray was embroiled in a false advertising lawsuit, but I don't think it was related to our campaign.

I don't remember what company the next ad was for, but it was a Computer Peripherals company that sold keyboards and mice.  I do remember that they made Millions off our ad.

Best. Ad. Ever.

We even did some work for one of the biggest dot-coms on the Net!

Flush off my success, and after having worked with the dot-commers, I decided to buy a computer to help the creative process.  It was then that I was first introduced to the fabulous world of Microsoft Products.

At that moment, I was bitten by the computer bug and have never looked back!  My job in computers has taken me all over the world, including a tour of Germany with my aunt,

and Pomplona, Spain (that was quite an adventure!).  A tip for you world-travelers - leather-soled shoes are slippier on brick than you might think.

But despite all of my jet-setting about, my favorite place is right here in my home office, where I dish out my wisdom and incisive social commentary daily - until I have to run to the store for more Hot-Pockets.  My job now is the truly the best, and my work environment has never been more relaxed.

My dry-cleaning bill with this job is way down, too.  Casual Friday my ass!

Well, that brings us up to the present day!  I hope the chronicling of my journey has been informative, and has inspired you to follow your dreams!  As the great philosopher Cartman once said, "Follow your dreams.  You can achieve your goals - I'm living proof.  BEEFCAKE!  BEEFCAKE!".

Peace!

Chuck 

(By the way - that last picture isn't really me.  I don't wear glasses.)

*Thanks to the folks at rotten.com for the fodder used in my ramblings.