A fake biography with some really weird pictures.  I think it's pretty funny - the pictures more so than the commentary; my wife thinks it's stupid.  She rolls her eyes at me a lot.

My real Bio - kind of a CV/Resume deal.  Sorta.

Other miscellany:

A bunch of pretentious shit I wrote a while back.

A cool site combining comics, math, sarcasm, romance, and language.  Good stuff.

Random things floating through my head:

(I just happened to be in front of a keyboard at the time)

Chuck Herrin's 3 Rules for a Career in Information Security:

1) Do The Right Thing:  Some people are naturally scared and suspicious of you because you know a lot of scary information, and they know you could make a lot of money as an evildoer.  Over-communicate what you're doing and always tell them why.  Trust and integrity are critical - nobody wants a Security Guy they can't trust or who has their own agenda.  Don't try to look like you're doing the right thing, DO the right thing.  If that's a problem, you're wearing the wrong hat.

2) Document EVERYTHING:  Keep a paper trail.  Keep your email.  Keep notes about meetings.  Document, document, document.  People don't like being audited, and they really don't like being caught with their pants down, and this includes the people you may audit as part of your job.  Remember, "just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you."  (An estimated 4% of the population are sociopaths, without empathy or a conscience.  How many people are in your company?)

3)  Keep An Inbox Full of Headhunter Email:  Just in case rules 1 and 2 don't work out. 

Having Information Security training and talking to people who don't is a lot like having Cassandra's curse from Greek mythology.  She had the ability to foretell disasters, but was cursed by Apollo so that no one would believe her.

Information Security in business is like chasing toddlers in $2000 suits holding scissors.

Q>How many kids with ADHD does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Q2>I don't know, how many?

A>Wanna ride bikes?

Context is everything.  The sentence "Can I push up your stool" means something TOTALLY DIFFERENT in a Gay bar.

To understand recursion, one must first understand recursion.

Have you ever farted in a revolving door, then stood in the lobby to watch and see who wins the "Wheel of Fortune" as it spins back around?  If it's a friend (or enemy) you can block it with your foot when they're blocked in the middle.  Tip from your Uncle Chuck - you may not want to try that with your boss.  My new boss didn't think it was funny AT ALL.  Apparently she has NO sense of humor......

Don't be thinkin' that they're all out to get you, and don't be forgettin' that some of them are.

Most sysadmins won't give you the time of day.  That's what NTP is for.

"Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing" - Werner Von Braun

It's all about presentation and the WAY you do things more than the actual result.  If you're swimming around and pee in the pool, nobody cares.  But when you're standing on the diving board.....

Patriotism means support for your country always, and your government when they deserve it.

I rely on Brownian Motion to stir my coffee.  If you know what Brownian Motion is, you're a nerd.  If you RELY on Brownian Motion for something, you're a lazy nerd.

It seems to me - most people who say they don't care what people think always seem to spend an awful lot of time trying to convince people that they don't care what they think.

America is like a big, friendly dog who accidentally breaks a Ming vase every time he wags his tail. 

I bet crowded elevators smell different to midgets.  Midgets are cool.  And sturdy!  You ever kick one?  They've got that wide stance - they don't go down easy.

Does anyone else ever have that dream where Dick Cheney is seated on stage, and George Bush is on his lap, with his little wooden head pivoting around?  And when Cheney drinks a glass of water and Bush says something, everybody claps?  Is that just me?

I wonder why, I wonder why. I wonder why I wonder.  I wonder WHY I wonder why I wonder why I wonder!

I like my coffee like I like my women. Light, sweet, and warm. I've known people who tried Hot, Black, and Bitter, and the extra excitement doesn't seem to be worth getting burned over.

Anyone who brings a frivolous lawsuit against a doctor should have to go through a random surgery of the doctor's choosing.

The biggest factor in determining whether someone is liberal or conservative is which side of the check they sign.

I fucking HATE politics.  People have actually asked me if I'd be interested in running for office, but I just don't think it'd work out, since:

1) I refuse to compromise doing what I think is right in exchange for doing what is politically expedient.

2) That being said, I would likely be ineffective as a politician, since the whole profession is based on selling out some of your lesser principles to gain support in pushing your bigger ideas with the people who can a) support your bills and b) help keep you in office.

I would get frustrated with the corruption in the system very quickly, and either quit or get sucked in and overpowered by it.  Many a young, ambitious good-doer has been turned into part of the problem just trying to work towards a solution.  (It's all about power anyway, and honestly - I don't need the power that badly.  I gotta be honest - once I started getting paid to break into banks, my perspective on the definition of the word "power" changed.)

It would be an interesting experiment, though - is America ready for someone to REALLY tell them the truth?  I don't think so, but it could be interesting.  Maybe someday, when I'm old and rich and ready to deliver my much-anticipated "Bitch Slap to America" address.  We'll see.

Someone once said that if you're not a liberal at 20 you have no heart, and if you're not conservative at 40 you don't have a brain. I don't know if that's true or not, but it is catchy.

Any lawyer found bringing more than 3 frivolous lawsuits in his career should be disbarred. Who would determine whether a suit is frivolous? Me.

Have you ever just slapped the shit out of someone who said, "You get to travel for your job? Ooh, that's so exciting!"? If you haven't, trust me - it feels great.

I'm all about free speech, but I think that uttering the phrase "Do you know who I am?" in a public place should result in an immediate 1 year sentence in Federal Pound-Me-In-The-Ass Prison. Remind these Sandy Vaginas that the word "Fist" can be a verb and the world will be a better place.

You know what's funny about the hypothetical debates about "I could never eat a person, like in the movie Alive. I'd starve first!". First - Bullshit. Your fat ass doesn't know what you'll do when you're starving until you're starving. Second, if you were with me during a plane crash in the mountains, you wouldn't get a chance to starve. Makes the meat too stringy. Last week my flight had a 45 minute delay and the guy next to me complained because I was sprinkling Mrs. Dash on his arm.

It strikes me that there is nothing real about reality TV. It's scripted, edited, and false. If I wanted reality as my entertainment I'd take a bag of popcorn and go sit at the welfare office.

Did you know airline seats are designed for people who are 5-7 and 170 pounds? What percentage of the American population is that now? I'm 9 inches and over 100 pounds bigger than that, and despite what my ex-girlfriends may say, having an extra 9 inches isn't always a good thing.

Is it just me, or does the struggle for "equality" wind up producing a lot of double standards?

IT Guys - Don't Be A Dick.  It's tough sometimes, having to explain what seem like simple things over and over to what seem to be intelligent people, but remember that Idiocy is Situational.  Try your hand in Accounting for a day - you'd be fucking clueless - "Capitalization is important?  Yeah, OK, I can use all upper case."

Look - I am an experienced, highly trained expert with many years of Information Security experience, and sometimes (rarely, but sometimes) I'm wrong.  You are, too.  Being a dick about it isn't going to help anything.

If your interviewer farts during a job interview, that's a laid-back company to work for. As long as the ventilation is good, take the job.

Overheard upon someone returning from the bathroom - "I figured out that it must have been those mushrooms that were bothering my stomach." "How'd you figure that out?" Response: "I looked."

Marxism probably would have worked if a) there were some incentive for people to achieve and b) they hadn't had to support such a large military.  I guess it looked good on paper, though.

How do blind people know when they're done wiping?

When did gay marriage become such a big deal?  In fact, why does anyone's sexuality matter unless it's someone who you want to have sex with?  The only person's sexuality I'm concerned with is my wife's - and even if she decided to sleep with a woman it probably wouldn't bother me that much.

Why don't we make a constitutional amendment against the President lying to the country?

Common sense isn't.

Did you know that John Ashcroft got beaten in a Senate race by a dead guy?  What's worse, Ashcroft was the incumbent.  He LOST his office to a dead guy.  I'd kick my own ass if a dead guy beat me at anything.  What a loser.

More gun laws won't help because people already break the laws we have.  We've got 20,000 gun laws on the books and criminals still carry and use guns, as well as knives, chains, and rocks.  Passing laws only effects people that follow the law.  Do you know why passing laws doesn't affect criminals?  Because they're CRIMINALS!  Murder has been illegal for some time, and it still happens.  The police can't and are under no obligation to protect you.  Stop trying to legislate out of fear, you scared pussies. 

You wanna be a victim, fine - but through no fault of my own I've been in some shit where there was no 911 to call, and nobody to get me out but me.  Fuck that - from that moment on, the only way you're getting my guns is bullets first.

That being said, if there were a way to magically take everyone's guns away (including the governments) I'd probably give mine up, too.  I've got a pointy stick with dog poop on the end, and I will poke somebody in the eye at the drop of a hat.

A logical debate on Gun Control, abortion, whatever, can never take place while emotion is involved.  Since most people can't separate logic from emotion, it's doubtful that anything really thorny will ever be solved.

If you've got a daughter, have you ever had that dream where you come home and she's with some boy on the couch, and you grab him by the throat and take him to the barn, his throat in one hand and a machete in the other, and then you make him put his dick in a vise on your toolbench?  And when you take the handle off so he can't undo it, he's all crying and blubbering because you're towering over him with a machete with his wang all stretched out, and he sobs, "Please!  Please, no!  Don't cut it off!" 

And you hand him the machete and say, "Relax, son.  I'm not gonna cut it off.  You are.  I'M just gonna set the barn on fire." and then you throw your Zippo into some bales of hay and walk out?

Is that just me?

Know what I've run into a lot lately?  People who are uncomfortable or offended by the truth.  Here's some truth:

1) White people used to breed the biggest, strongest slaves together.  We did.  Need proof?  Check out the NBA and NFL.  Any X-Ray tech can tell you that an African American's bones and tendons tend to be thicker and stronger than a similar Caucasian's.

2) Around this same time in America, if a black person could read, he was killed.  In general, if white people thought that a slave was smart, they were often killed because they posed a potential threat. 

3) Slavery was a universal institution in the Bible, and took place almost everywhere.

4) Religion has been used a lot more to control populations than bring them closer to God.

5) The 10 Commandments that people are fighting over are not even the 10 commandments handed down by God.  It's a different set - read your Bible.

The funny thing is, all those things are true!  I make it a point to tell anyone offended by the truth that the problem isn't with the truth, it's with them.

They don't like that, and are usually offended.  Because it's the truth.

Some people aren't smart enough to take emotion out and debate with logic.  Others are, but are scared to because they know they can't defend their positions with logic alone.  Abortion activists who kill doctors, I'm looking in your direction.

If logic led to legislation, alcohol would be illegal, Marijuana would be legal and taxed, and prostitution would be legal and come with free health care.

I once heard an ugly man say that prostitution being illegal was discriminatory against him, since he really had no other way to get laid.

What if we lived in a world with no rhetorical questions?

We dropped the bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki while there was still fierce debate on whether or not the chain reactions could ever be stopped.  There were numerous scientific advisers who theorized that the chain reactions of the uncontrolled bombs might continue until they consumed the entire earth.  Know what?  We did it anyway.  Twice. 

Do you think Jesus would really like the televangelists who do the things they do "in his name"?

You can't tell someone you're a Genius without sounding like an asshole.  Whatever your IQ score is, you should probably keep it to yourself.  Since you asked, mine is 158.  See?  I sound like an asshole, don't I?

The reason people are threatened by someone smarter than them is because it is a universal characteristic that one has very little control over.  If someone's a better golfer than you, you can always rationalize it by saying he practices more or just is athletically inclined.  With IQ, though, everyone is in direct competition and there's nothing you can do to win.

Other miscellany:

Here are special links dedicated to my friends Ryan and Mauricio.  Feel free to save and send them to your loved ones.

 Ryan  Mauricio

Random ADULT thoughts - you have them, too.  You cheeky monkey.

Men - before you make any decisions that could affect your marriage, your career, or your children, either get laid, blown, or masturbate and come back to it. You should only make important decisions when you're thinking clearly.

Women - before your man makes any important decisions you may or may not be aware of, see the above and act accordingly.

I overheard two lesbians talking, and one said to the other "She's hung like a doughnut." Ewwwwww. That kind of blows the whole "lesbian-chic" thing for you, doesn't it?

Having a daughter ruined pornography for me. Now I just want to shoot the "actors" for doing that to someone's little girl.  I'm fighting through it, though.

You ever notice that you're not supposed to talk about sex in mixed company, but in mixed company is normally where sex occurs?